THE WHOOPING OF THE TARDS

by Unleash the Beef

Political party conventions. Alternatively known as The Whooping of the Tards. Fucking gross.

Like… it’s 2012. The internet is everywhere. Information is no longer controlled by the hate-filled cunts at the helm of political divide and conquer. And people still vote?

TROUBLE IN TWILIGHT

by Andy Nowicki

If you've walked through a checkout line in a grocery store lately, you've probably seen the earth-shattering, heartbreaking news. Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani! Your dreams have been betrayed, your hopes deceived, your spirit horrifically sodomized and left for dead. Your sink to your knees, gasp for air; tears cloud your eyes. You look again... yes, it has happened. Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart are splitsville.

"But how can this be?" you ask yourself. "They seemed so happy together..." And you grasp frantically at the glossy pages on the newsstand, flipping through one celebrity rag after another, groping desperately for anwers. Soon enough you have an explanation for this tragic turn of events, but it makes no sense. It doesn't fit with anything you've previously known to be true. You are baffled, and appalled.