Alt-Right News

Monday, 13 January 2014

WANK YANKERS: A NEW FRONTIER IN MARRIAGE EQUALITY


In recent years, the institution of marriage has been radically redefined to accommodate groups far-ranging in political orientation and carnal proclivity. Legal matrimony is no longer limited merely to one man and one woman; instead, contemporary marriageable partners include dykes and polygs, faggots and fundies. In our enlightened times, a fey interior designer ensconced in a trendy alcove of SanFrancisco’s Castro district can report to his local courthouse to emphatically declare, “Oh I do, Fabulous Britches!” in unison with his immaculately-groomed hairstylist beau, while scraggly, smelly old-school Mormons staked out in the Utah hinterlands are now allowed to pledge troth to multiple women at the same time, “loving large,” just as brothers Brigham and Joseph did back in the day.

Yet in our age of ever-expanding inclusivity, with even incestophobia one more needless relic of the barbaric past about to be consigned to the dustbin of history by the tireless efforts of legions of bravely bitching and garrulously gesticulating crusaders for sexual justice, there remains one group whose matrimonial rights still all too often go ignored.

I refer, naturally enough, to those sensually inclined towards self-love, the segment of the population who might colloquially be called the “wankers,” because, well, they wank a lot. I speak, that is, of monosexuals, a group who are treated as second-class citizens in a bi-centric world that relentlessly privileges the act of coitus over that of no-itus.

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Monophobia runs rampant in our society. Bigoted, closed-minded and hateful heterosexuals and homosexuals, who prefer sex with other people, think that the idea of a person being monosexual-- that is, of preferring to have sex with himself, of being his own sexual partner—is absurd and pathetic. They mock “wankers” as pitiful specimens who can’t get a date (going out alone, smiling blissfully, holding hands with oneself presumably doesn’t qualify) and are generally looked upon by others as undesirable (the electrifying experience of having the man in the mirror gaze passionately into your eyes apparently counting for nothing!). But in spewing such prejudice, breeders and queers alike only reveal what small-minded people they truly are. After all, recent studies have shown conclusively that monosexuals are happier, better-adjusted, and altogether morespiritually fulfilled than people whose sexuality is directed towards others. And it would appear that monos make better parents as well.

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A well-known bespectacled Jewish nebbish from New York once famously declared, “Don’t knock masturbation! It’s sex with someone I love!” As always, with all things, the Jew speaks sagely on this matter. As a youth, I (admittedly, not a Jew, either then or now) once reflected on the glory of being one’s own better half. In a song entitled One Is Wonderful, I expressed the bounteous blessings of a man’s happy union with himself:
“When I want to get close, I don’t even have to ask
I just reach out my hand, and the other hand’s there
One is wonderful!”
Indeed it is. And yet, we monosexuals (yes, I said “we”… I have been a self-starter and self-finisher for years now, as everyone who specializes in reading between lines can easily discern) are discriminated against constantly. Heteros, homos, monogs and polygs alike sneer at our orientation, treating us with the kind of disdain that they would never tolerate were such insults slung at their own group.

Just think of the last time you called someone else a “wanker.” This word, as commonly used, is hurtful, because it denigrates an entire sexual minority for the proclivity with which we were born. Such vile hate speech must not be tolerated under any circumstances! (Yes, of course, I used the word myself a few paragraphs ago, but that was different. In that context, it was a way for me to reclaim my identity as a wanker from the monophobes who would force me back into closeted denial of my monosexuality. When you’re an oppressed minority, normally forbidden slurs are perfectly permissible, nigga…)

Still, if society can’t grant me and my brother-wankers dignity and respect for our lifestyle choice to be solitarily-satiated, it can at least grant us the same right that it currently grants to monogs, polygs, heteros and homos. Simply put, all of these other groups get to wed; we, however, are still denied that prerogative. Why? Can any reason possibly exist, except one based upon unreasonable exclusion, intolerance, and hate?

After all, if a person can marry someone else, or several someone elses, then why can’t he marry himself? Why must it be assumed that “single” means “not hitched”? In fact, who’s to say that the act of so-called self-abuse may in fact not be a consummation of a beautiful relationship between a man and the one who loves him more than anyone else ever will, the one who truly will never leave him, til death does them part? And why should we be denied the legal benefits that accompany being married, just because no one else besides ourselves wants to marry us?

Marriage equality for monosexuals now… Wankers of the world, unite! We deserve a ring, an emotional exchange of loving vows, and a wedding registry at an upscale department store as much as everybody else. We too have the right to our "I do." Let us all band together, lock palms, and jerk an unbreakable circle of justice.


Andy Nowicki, co-editor of Alternative Right, is the author of six books, including Lost Violent Souls, Heart Killer and The Columbine Pilgrim. He occasionally updates his blog (http://www.andynowicki.blogspot.com/) when the spirit moves him to do so.

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