Sunday, 29 November 2015

THE 28-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

Tim Tebow: no fucker (and no homo)


It's true that celebrity behavior is usually a matter of little or no account; hence the term "celebrity," with its attendant connotation of overweening glitz and general absence of substance. It is also a verity that what gets called gossip is often based on an unfounded rumor and always none of our business; hence the term "gossip," suggestive as it is of snoopily vicarious prurience and unwarranted intrusion.

Still, there is something of value in noting what "ordinary people" are talking about with regard to the rich, beautiful, famous, and powerful, because it tends to reveal the underlying collective psyche of the times. We not only relish the notion that even celebrities have problems; even more, we thrill to the idea that their problems aren't totally unlike our own. And yet, somewhat contradictorily, we find their problems so damned glamorous that we actually wish we had them too. No matter how totally effed up a celebrity may be, his or her total effed-up-ness has an aura that draws us in and makes us perversely envy them all the more. The fact that such a response is silly doesn't make it any the less real. It is simply a part of our programming to be attracted to the trappings of perceived glory and fame.

Former Heisman trophy winner Tim Tebow, however, represents a conspicuous exception to this rule, along with many other rules pertaining to celebrities. Tebow is an athlete of surpassing popularity, despite the fact that, by NFL standards, isn't really all that good. Though the ever-scrambling, doggedly-playmaking quarterback excelled at University of Florida, leading his team to a national championship in 2008, his pro career has proven to be spotty and short-lived (though he hasn't yet officially retired from the sport). Still, Tebow's cult of personality endures to this day, buttressed in large part by the fact that his hard-nosed competitiveness on the field is tempered by a very public piety; though his outspoken conservative Christian beliefs are often bitterly assailed by those who despise any public display of devoutness, even aggressively secular, Christophobic liberals have to admit that the guy's got a pretty good record of helping out the poor and needy, so they can't very well call him a "hypocrite" who "talks it" but doesn't "walk it" when it comes to the prerogatives of his faith.

As a tall, handsome, rich, famous, emotionally-grounded, passionate, and principled man, Tebow the pigskin-pitcher would indeed seem to be a great "catch" for the ladies. Yet gossip has it that this 28-year old living legend has recently been dumped by a glamorous girlfriend. Why?

Apparently (so says the rumor), it's because the little tease won't "put out."

According to the New York Daily News (most assuredly a gossip rag, but not necessarily therefore inaccurate), citing an anonymous "inside source," former Miss USA and current "supermodel" Olivia Culpo has opted to stop going out with Tebow, because after two long months of dating, he still won't have sex with her.
"She just couldn't handle it," reported the source. "He's pretty adamant about it (saving sex for marriage), I guess."
The scandal in this case, of course, is the fact that it is a scandal at all, to anyone, anywhere. Chastity, after all, used to be the default position, the gentlemanly route to take, the only decent perspective to assume. Only a cad would court a lady with the intention of plundering her virgin treasure outside the bounds of wedlock. Yet release of this news has been met with predictable jeers from certain quarters, and even allegations that Tebow must be a closeted homosexual. Why else, they figure, could be possibly defiantly declare "No ring, no fling!" to a woman who looks like this?

Two months and NO SEX? What's a girl to do?
It is worth repeating that no one actually knows the full story about why things didn't work out between Mr. Tebow and Miss Culpa (who notably hasn't offered any semblance of a "Mea" for her caddish determination to plunder Tebow's virgin treasure). But regardless of where the truth actually lies with regard to this admittedly salacious and ultimately trivial matter (which of course, as with all salacious accounts of others' personal relationships, is absolutely none of our business, but knowledge of this fact does nothing to slacken our interest in the business in question), it is remarkable that people are shocked by the notion of restraint on the part of a young man, who, after all, is supposed to want it all the time, or else there must be something "not right" about him ("not that there's anything wrong with that!"... or so we're told).

Might Tebow's insistence not to be defiled in fact constitute an instance of the "manly flaccidity" I prescribed in a prior piece, by which a man in an enfeebled, envenomed, misandric and oversexed age refuses to be conformed to his programming, and in so doing, flummoxes his would-be rulers to the ends of their wits? Regardless of his personal habits (and much can be forgiven in the case of a 28-year old virgin), might this modern-day icon of sport and spirituality be, in the best possible metaphorical sense, a wanker and not a fucker?


Andy Nowicki, assistant editor of Alternative Right, is the author of eight books, including Under the NihilThe Columbine PilgrimConsidering Suicide, and Beauty and the Least. He occasionally updates his blog when the spirit moves him to do so. Visit his Soundcloud page.




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