Friday, 12 February 2016


I’d been largely unaware of the Vermont Teddy Bear phenomenon (or whatever you want to call it) until I read Jef Costello’s witty and ribald expose at Counter-Currents. In short, it seems that women just love these enormous stuffed beasts, and that buying your honey a gargantuan thingamadoodle for Valentine’s Day is an incredibly romantic gesture, guaranteed to yield results, if ya know what I mean, and surely ya do, don’t ya big guy? (wink, wink, heh!)

While Costello primarily hones in on the absurdity of the gift, and the possible meta-motivation behind the entire Vermont Teddy Bear scam (namely, that the big fluffy galoot functions as little more than a substitute dildo, and that its popularity signifies modern man’s sad obsolescence and propensity towards self-propelled cuckoldry), I cannot help but notice another aspect of this very weird marketing campaign. Namely, the commercials make a rather shameless appeal to a man’s baser instincts in a sinister manner that should be of grave concern to every self-respecting male of the species.

That “sex sells,” is, of course, no profound revelation, but here the punch line seems tocbe far more egregious than the typical bikini-babe on-the-beach billboard, which is designed merely to catch your eye in order to get you to pay attention to Product X (whether that product be a soda, a beer, a new car, or whatever). Here, the pushy obnoxiousness of the preposterous pitch is ratcheted up to a degree that men ought to find insulting, and it is pushed home with an obstreperous single-mindedness that a sane world would interpret as fanatical, unseemly, and disturbing:

As can easily be seen, these ads sell the leering “You know you want it” suggestion to the hilt. That is to say, they encourage men to purchase these bizarre big bears for one sole purpose: so that they can score. Even if sex hadn’t been on these men’s minds before, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company wants to see to it that sex becomes the primary subject on their minds now, and forever hereafter. Yes, of course this move is executed as a means to an end: the “Vermonters” have a product to sell, and this is the angle they’ve taken towards moving these mangy mongrels out their stockroom and into your bedroom. But the Pavlovian response they seek to provoke in men’s minds seems to be reflective of something rather more ominous than the mere standard attempt to trade on poon for profit. Rather, the aim is to sexualize men to the n-th degree, in order to enslave them and cause them to be helpless before their lusts and compulsions, the better to exploit them whenever necessary.

That most men are already heavily sexualized due to nature itself is, of course, self-evident. I am not arguing otherwise. One knows, both from experience and observation, how potent a force sexual desire can be, how powerfully it can occupy a man’s consciousness and affect his behavior. That said, I find that there is much in modern-day trends which threaten to render men altogether carnally compromised, and patently paralyzed by their penile propensities. For years we heard, for example, the egregious myth that men “think about sex once every seven seconds,” a claim whose patent untruth is manifestly obvious, but which only recently being factually refuted. That men are horny buggers can’t be denied, but if such a claim were true we’d walk around with erections 24-7, leaking semen all the while. That such a scenario was ever seriously believed at all is outrageous.

Yet the Vermont Teddy Bear campaign—which itself is but a subsidiary of the larger nefarious commercial industry that is Valentine’s Day—wants to sell the notion that a man is so much at the mercy of his little head that he’ll spend an unconscionable amount of money on so stupid an item as a five-foot-tall teddy bear, all to “get some.”

This Valentine’s Day, prove your would be masters wrong… Be strong, O men! Say BEGONE to the bear. If necessary, go without. Don’t be a slave to carnal blackmail this VD. It may be one small step for a man, but it's also a leap in the right direction towards true sexual liberation.

Originally published 14th February, 2014

Andy Nowicki, assistant editor of Alternative Right, is the author of eight books, including Under the Nihil, The Columbine Pilgrim, Considering Suicide, and Beauty and the Least. He occasionally updates his blog when the spirit moves him to do so. Visit his Soundcloud page.

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