A local resident presumably stocking up on medical supplies.

by Phil Colum

Residents of the sleepy town of Ferguson, Missouri, were in a state of panic last night following the sudden, mysterious death of a young, aspiring college student Michael Brown.

The 18-year-old, who had recently taken up rapping and smoking, was found dead in the street after he experienced serious hemorrhaging. This followed a visit to a local store, where the brilliant young student inexplicably took some cigars without paying and then proceeded to disrupt traffic.

Erratic behavior and the sudden loss of blood and other bodily fluids are well known symptoms of Ebola, a disease that has been known to afflict people of African origin in the past.

The death understandably threw the local community into a panic, with residents taking to the streets to express their fears and concerns. In some areas they even set fire to objects in order to sterilize them; while state troopers, called in by the state's governor Jay Nixon, responded in a more methodical way by fumigating large parts of the town with what appeared to be an eye-watering anti-viral gas, and by placing the town in quarantine overnight.

Medical authorities meanwhile conducted a third autopsy on the body of Brown, after earlier autopsies failed to confirm Ebola as the cause of death, instead finding six bullets.


In other news, a crowd in Liberia stormed a local detention facility in the capital Monrovia to liberate 17 inmates, whom they claimed had been unfairly detained and denied access to witch doctors.

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