Friday, 3 July 2015


Independence weekend surprise: Prez issues edict mandating a new national anthem

In a stunning announcement sure to spark controversy, President Obama announced Friday that he has issued an executive order that the United States will adopt a new national anthem.

"The time has come," the president intoned solemnly, as he spoke to the assembled DC press corps on the eve of the Forth of July weekend. "Change is never easy, but sometimes it is necessary," he added.

The new song, Obama indicated, would replace Francis Scott Key's Star Spangled Banner, written in commemoration of the valor of American troops in their defense of  Fort McHenry during the War of 1812. The Banner had been a patriotic favorite for many decades, prior to being officially recognized as the official national anthem of the United States by President Woodrow Wilson in 1916.

In his prepared remarks, Obama acknowledged that Key's anthem would always have sentimental value, but he stressed that a new official song is needed, one which has greater relevance to recent events and to the nation's current missions and goals.

"The Star Spangled Banner is a fine tune, and it served its purpose well, but speaking frankly, we are no longer beholden to the outmoded paradigm of dead, white, heterosexual males," the president said. "Much has changed since 1812, and as our great country progresses ever closer to the inclusiveness first promised by the Founding Fathers, we need an inspirational ditty that reflects contemporary trends."

The new national anthem, Obama revealed, would be a song first written in 2007 by the South Carolina born African-American performer Samwell. 

"As we as a nation recover and learn from the tragedy that claimed nine lives in Charleston two weeks ago, a tragedy which struck in the dark heart of the Old South, in a state where the infamous Confederate battle flag still flies over the Capitol building...  is it not appropriate, my fellow Americans, that a song composed by a Palmetto State artist be our Star Spangled Banner redux?" Obama declared.

"Just as American troops heroically held the fort against the British in the War of 1812, so the melanin-enriched members of the Mother Emanuel AME Church valiantly held the line against hatred, racism, and bigotry, at great cost, in the face of a vicious and deadly attack by a neo-Nazi white male terrorist on June 17. Do they not deserve to be honored for their bravery by having a fellow South Carolinian be the composer of the new official song to hallow our beloved republic of tolerance and mutual respect?"

Obama also cited the landmark decision of the Supreme Court upholding same-sex marriage as a reason for his selection of the new anthem.

"Our union is a little closer to perfect now," the president stated. "The thirst for justice which first inspired the colonists correctly to take up arms against the British, and which, a century later, motivated the strong hand of General Sherman to bring the wrath of the Almighty down upon the secessionist traitors who incorrectly took up arms against the rightfully established authorities during the Civil War, has now reached its rightful apogee with the official sanctification of sodomy by the five unelected Justices who have the ultimate say over what is lawful and what isn't in our country. In short, love has won."

Samwell, the author of the newly christened national anthem, is an openly gay man, of whom Obama spoke warmly.

"If I had a son, he would look like, and no doubt share the sexual preferences of, Mr. Samwell," Obama said. "His song is an excellent representation of our current priorities as a nation as we fare forward, buttocks clenched tightly, to meet our divine destiny."

The stirring new anthem, entitled What What (In the Butt), can be heard here:

Andy Nowicki, assistant editor of Alternative Right, is the author of eight books, including Under the NihilThe Columbine PilgrimConsidering Suicide, and Beauty and the Least. He occasionally updates his blog when the spirit moves him to do so. Visit his Soundcloud page

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